For more than 31 years I have spent the majority of every day blindfolded. I have been the subject of half a dozen academic articles on the topic of long term restraint of patients. I wonder what it would be like to again see my own naked body, something I have not done since I was 28 years old. I fantasize walking unshackled and speaking whenever I choose. I imagine myself in 'normal' conversations free of the gag that is my constant companion and in routine daily activities that have been denied me for the past three decades. I recall in minute detail the short weeks of my courtship and introduction into an alternative society of which I had no prior knowledge. I replay my childhood and my adolescent descent into self destructive addictions. My thoughts follow a pattern on the mornings I can't return to sleep. It is a fate I have chosen for myself-part of a bargain that saved my life but cast me into a lifestyle few would understand. I accept my lot willingly, if not enthusiastically. I have no hope of escaping so thoroughly and tightly am I restrained nor would I if I could. I try to do isometric exercises, straining first one limb and then another against my bonds. At other times I will remain awake feeling the warm liquid spread through my diaper, trying to flex my fingers-the only part of my body I am able to move-within my stiff leather gloves. In the pre-dawn hours I inevitably wake from urinary urgency, wet myself and, at times, return to sleep. Wetting myself once embarrassed me deeply. I will be bound in this fashion for eight hours and I can rarely withhold the contents of my bladder that long. My hands and arms are clad in long silk lined leather gloves. Over these, even though I am in bed, I wear a pair of custom made thigh-high leather boots with five inch stiletto heels. Over the bottom of my corset and extending almost to my knees is a well-boned and extremely tight zip up panty girdle and attached to the garters of that girdle are the firmest compression stockings money can buy. The corset's shoulder straps draw back my shoulders and hold them immobile even when I am not strapped to my bed as I am at present. Over it I wear a long rigid corset that throttles my waist to 3/4 of its original size and prevents me from any movement of my spine. I wear a full body compression garment that extends from the base of my throat to my ankles and my wrists. All that I can do freely is think.īeneath my bonds I am clothed more extensively than most modern women are at work or out on a date. In this state, I am, for all intents, a blind, deaf and mute quadriplegic, denied all use of my body and its senses. I have worn these restraints virtually every night for the last 31 years. Similar restraints bind my hips, waist and upper torso to the bed making it impossible for me to turn or roll even to the slightest extent. They render my arms and my hands useless. Similar restraints bind my arms at my sides-one set at my wrists, one circling each forearm, one just below my elbows and a final set around my biceps. The straps are tightly cinched and allow no movement at all. They encircle my ankles, my calves and my thighs both just above my knees and near my crotch. My neck muscles are almost completely atrophied by now and I cannot support my own head unaided.įive sets of wide leather medical restraints hold each of my legs in place. A rigid neck corset prevents me from moving my head either up and down or side to side. My mouth is filled by a large leather ball gag and my jaw is clamped shut around the gag by straps that encircle my head in all directions and are locked in place.

My ear canals are filled with state-of-the-art earplugs that muffle all sound. My eyelids are taped shut under gauze pads and my fleece lined leather blindfold. I awake in bed flat on my back, immobile.

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